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Prozac diary 3

Withdrawal Hell.

But, it's now over...

I stopped taking my medication 2 weeks ago. I spent 3 months slowly reducing my dose. Month by month feeling great and more human again.

Then 2 days after stopping my medication completely I was in withdrawal. It was absolutely awful.

My immediate reaction was to think I was having a nervous breakdown again. The symptoms were so strange. I had the most bizarre 'brain zaps'. They were like constant shots of electricity going through my brain. Horrendous. I constantly felt nauseous and dizzy. It was like waking up with severe vertigo.

I am not being a drama queen in the slightest. It was a terrifying experience. I thought I had reduced my medication sensibly and was not expecting such a reaction.

I went to the doctors just for some reassurance, and yes I was not 'cracking' up, and my symptoms were perfectly normal. How you can call 'brain zaps' normal I have no idea.

I am now fine, and I am so glad I stuck by my guns and refused to go back on the meds.

I'm also adjusting to my new emotional state. I was a zombie for 2 years. But now, emotions are like totally awesome! I feel myself welling up and wanting to burst into tears at every thought. This is not a negative thing. If I read something joyful in the newspaper, I have to fight to hold back the tears. It is so strange but so nice to be human again... To feel overwhelming happiness and joy, is such a pleasure!

I will keep you updated on my volatile emotional state!

Thump!

I was not cyber stalking...

I just accidentally saw some photos on Facebook that I wish I had never seen.

I was very mature and civilised and did not react in a childish way. I could have thrown such a strop, I could have made somebody's life miserable. Alas, I decided to portray the new, sorted, mature me...

Have you ever been so in love with somebody that they're in the back of your mind for years, even decades. Have you forgotten about them, but as soon as you smell that aftershave, hear that song, or see a photo... Your heart flutters.

Actually, 'flutter' is completely the wrong word. I would say 'thump', 'hammer', 'pound'. Not just your heart, but your head, your body... You can feel it and hear it.

Do you know, wouldn't it be fun to play the love and heartbreak onomatopoeia game? How many words can you think of to describe the sound or feelings of love and hurt.

I digress... But feel free to comment with some words...

So back to the point. I saw photos of the guy I once loved with a new man. Oh yes. Shock! I was for a millisecond crippled with grief, then I reflected and went into CBT mode. I thought, maybe it's just a friend, or a one off shag, or maybe a cousin. Then I thought, so what if it is a new man, big deal. Then I felt sad, then I felt okay, then I felt sad again. Then I felt angry, because the 'once upon a time love of my life' told me he was not interested in relationships. Yes, it was apparently nothing to do with me, it was just he wasn't in a relationship place. Then there are photos of him and this man enjoying good times, travelling, blah blah blah. To add to all this the guy in the photos is absolutely bloody gorgeous. Well talk about a pathetic and disgusting moment of self loathing and insecurity.

Why could that not have been me in the photos. Why?

Then... The anger went, and the sensible person within me found solid ground and stood up tall. But, I then wanted to know more. I was still sad, I felt good about myself, but I was intrigued...

So. I sent him a text. Oh yes I did. The one thing you should never do; text an old flame! I was quite upfront and asked him if he had a boyfriend. He replied saying that he is technically single but just having fun. Hmm? Well this did not satisfy my lust for more juicy info, but I had to let it rest. God, I didn't want to look desperate. Ha!

After some more thought, the next day, I felt even better about the situation. I was initially so angry that I had been 'lied' to. But then I realised I was being set free. I did not have to ponder the 'whys' because it is clear this old flame is not interested in me. Wow, simples! I am so pleased I was civil with him now. Can you imagine if I had have been nasty? I would not have got anywhere with him anyway, and would have got myself even more worked up.

The message is simple. If you have been misled, then give up. Do not pursue your 'flame'. The 'flame' is not interested in you if he is happy to mislead you and not respect you with honesty.

Let old dogs lie and move on. In fact be civil. Go on. Surprise them and be nice! You'll feel a whole lot better too....

Prozac diary 2

Continuing from my previous entry on prozac...

I am now on the lowest dose possible to buy over the counter. I am on this for 2 more weeks and then my relationship with prozac is over!

I feel amazing. Part of me is wishing I came off of the stuff sooner. I feel human again. I am no longer tired all the time. My leg tremor has virtually stopped, I get aroused so easily, I feel so happy and content, I do not dwell on the past. I feel completely at one.

Prozac helped me when I needed it, and many others could benefit from it's power. However, you cannot spend your life on it. You need to come off and be human again. Use prozac as an opportunity to use CBT and start to think positively and constructively.

Initially I was terrified about coming off of my medication, but now I am glad I have done. My message to all of those who are worried about reducing their medication, is not to be. As long as you have sorted your life out, and you know which path you are to take, then you no longer need the meds...

Diary of a non smoker entry 1

I'm a non smoker, I'm a non smoker, I'm a non smoker!

I am so anxious right now. I have gone 3 days without a cigarette, and I am ready to climb the walls. Tonight is the hardest night. I have fought severe cravings, and nearly cracked. I probably would have cracked if my parents weren't around to cast judgment.

I always have in the back of my mind "One cigarette isn't going to hurt," but I know it will. Each fag knocks minutes off of your life expectancy. I enjoy smoking, and part of my brain is saying "Why give up something that you enjoy?"

I am proud I resisted tonight, and decided I need to write about it. Somehow I feel this will keep me focused and motivated.

It is easy to feel lost, when you part from something that you thoroughly enjoy. I feel lonely. Honestly. Only a smoker or an ex smoker can understand this. I can only assume the non smokers out there think this is slightly pathetic. But, it really is difficult. More difficult than you can imagine.

I have decided to use very little nicotine replacement, and only use it when I have a major craving. This seems to help a bit in my times of crisis.

If only smoking was cheap, good for you, great for your skin, and smelt like Lush. Ah that would be bliss.

Wow, to think I will no longer stink, will have more money in my bank account, keep my youthful skin longer, and feel healthier. Great motivation. But will power is a must. Thinking of the benefits helps in the long term, but for the short term fix needed, the benefits pail in comparison.

I will keep this diary updated, as I am sure there will be plenty of drama ahead.

Gamer...

Would you date a gamer?

I wouldn't. Been there, got the t-shirt, it didn't fit!

I've had such a good time with various friends talking about our experiences of dating gamers. None of them were good. One of my dearest friends dated a gamer for several years, and she cannot believe she lasted so long.

Another friend split up recently from her gamer ex. She was heart broken, she loved him so much. He on the other hand thought more of his X-Box.

I dated a gamer once too, he was gay (obviously), but Lara Croft was far more appealing to him than me. His idea of a romantic night in was playing on his Play Station, whilst I watched. Sex was never an option. I would lay on the bed, wanting sex, hoping he would complete his level SOON. What sort of relationship is that?

Sex or a video game? Hmmm let me think!

Gamers do not have the ability to form human relationships, this is why they should stay away from other human beings. If you are a gamer, then this is a genuine life style choice, but do not pretend that you are capable of being in a grown up relationship.

Have you ever used the 'it's me or the playstation!' ultimatum? I have, and I came second. Final Fantasy totally kicked my arse!

Gamers lack all kinds of confidence, this is why they need to disappear into their little virtual worlds. How sad.

I love human contact, conversation, and company. I have tried to play games in the past, and got so bored. Battery chickens have better social skills.

Most people I know have dated a gamer at some point, and it has never lasted. They had little attention, little respect, and little sex. Housework never got done. Plates would pile high. Ash trays never got emptied. Pets did not go for walks.

A friend of mine told me how her gamer ex would wear the same clothes for days. I dated a gamer once, who showered once a fortnight. Not a word of a lie. I was young, naive, so don't judge me.

I would like to create an outreach service for gamers. I am being serious. Gamers need help.

I am sure I am going to upset some people, and I know there will be lots of gamers who think they can form a genuine human relationship. I would love to hear from a gamer who is in a happy relationship! Seriously, please contact me, let me know how you make it work. I would like to hear from your partner too.

This article is not just a out men. There are female gamers too. I used to live with one. We wouldn't see her for days, bill money would not get paid up, smoke would drift from under her door. You could smell the old pizza crusts rotting. And yes she was miserable. Instead of talking to people, and trying to get her life on track, she disappeared into a fantasy land.

Gaming is not healthy, and it is not attractive, and it is anti social.

The people I have spoken to, all seem happier after leaving their gamer exes. They feel free, liberate somehow. They are no longer frustrated, they no longer feel ignored or worthless.

I have spoken to some people who do not mind that their partners are gamers. They say that it is nice to have their own space. Sounds great doesn't it? But I do not want to be in a relationship where I can enjoy time on my own every day. I want to be in a relationship with somebody that wants to spend time with me. If you are in a relationship with a gamer, who prefers to spend his time with Lara Croft, then it is not a relationship worth having. You deserve to be with someone who you can stand to be with. Not be with someone who you can lock away in a room while he plays on computer games.

Games will always come first to a gamer. This is fact! You cannot compete with a Play Station. Don't waste your time, and step away from the gamer. You will not be satisfied, or feel fulfilled.

Gamers you seriously need to take a long look at your lives. You need to plan what you want to do with your lives, what will make you happy, and you need to make it happen. Be positive! But please stop gaming. You will never be happy, and you will never make somebody else happy!

Gamers, I strongly suggest you put the controls down and get a life!

Breakdown...

There is somebody, very dear to me, who is breaking down...

I love my friend dearly, but you need to know, you are doing all the wrong things.

When you have a nervous breakdown, the first thing you need to do is rest. Sleep, sleep, rest, sleep, rest, sleep. Sleep is what your body is crying out for. You need to stop everything you are doing and just rest.

Drinking, having wild orgies, being dysfunctional; all the wrong things. You may feel in the pits of despair, you will be terrified, you won't know what to do with yourself, you will have rapid and constant thoughts. But STOP! Rest my love.

Rest for weeks if necessary. You need to let your body and mind recover. SSRI medications are also very good. Ignore the stigma attached to such medications. They will help you in your time of desperate need, but you need to be sensible and stop drinking.

I have been here my dear. I know what it is like. But I did all the right things. I wanted to recover and I knew exactly what to do.

You will have a long journey of self discovery ahead of you, but enjoy the progress you make. Love the little steps to better mental health you make. Believe me you need to start making some. Force yourself to enjoy your own company. Do this by spending time alone, and slowly get used to it. May take some time, but learn to relax when on your own. Make small steps at a time.

If you continue on the path you are taking right now, you will not get better. You will remain in the pits of despair. You will not flourish, like the rose you really are.

I'm always here for you my love, but you need to listen and stop being so dysfunctional.

Love you...

Can you love somebody else if you don't love who you are? I think not.

So many dysfunctional relationships, single miserable people, full of self loathing. I would argue most people need a little lesson in self love. I am not talking narcissism, I am talking about loving the person you are. Inside, and yes, on the surface.

It is impossible to hold a decent relationship, or indeed even find one, if you cannot have a decent relationship with the most important person in your life; you! If you cannot love who you are, you spend your life assuming that others won't. Not only are you making an assumption about other's desires and feelings, but to be honest you're right. I have dated many men with self loathing, and it is very unattractive. You may think I am being a bit harsh, but people out there really need some tough love. A serious reality check!

If you have self identity issues, or you hate the way you look, or you think you're a horrible person; go out there and get some help. There are various charities, you can go to your GP and see if you can get some CBT or counselling. You can talk to me! When I say 'get some help', I do not mean save up for a breast job or a nose job, I want you to learn to love the person you are, inside and out... Without this you cannot love anybody else. And, indeed, nobody will truly love you.

This is a harsh reality, but true. Yeah building self confidence is not an easy thing, and it will take time. But you can get there. I did it. I was a miserable self loathing teenager, with no confidence. I thought I was ugly and nobody would love me. I always walked around with my shoulders stooped, wearing horrible clothes. I suppose I thought I did not deserve to wear nice clothes and be attractive. It took me years of practice to learn to love myself.

I am a fabulous and wonderful individual, and I want all my friends to feel the same about themselves.

I had a friend once who thought it was shallow to not want to date somebody because they had self hate and self confidence issues. I object to this. Why would I want to spend my time and energy reassuring somebody all the live long day? I wouldn't. I have a right to meet somebody who is self assured.

I will write later in more depth about my journey, and how I learned to love the person I am today. I still see life as a journey in self discovery, and we all should. Forget about God, religion, faith? Have faith in yourself! You are the most important person you'll ever have a relationship with, time is ticking, so you better make it a good one.

If you like who you are, your anxieties disappear. You can invite somebody into your life, and want to share yourself with them. If you do not like who you are, what have you got to give another person? Nothing but misery.

To all my lovelies! I love you! Love yourself!

Prozac diary 1...

I have been on Escitalopram, an SSRI, for nearly 2 years now.

I don't care about the stigma attached to prozac, it did me good when I needed it. It gave me the opportunity to sort my self out after a horrendous nervous breakdown 2 years ago.

I'm unsure whether the medication gave me my life back, or whether I did it all myself. I certainly have a CBT head on my shoulder, but I think in the initial stages of crippling anxiety, the pills helped me lots.

There were no real side affects accept not being able to ejaculate. It didn't affect my arousal, but I would find it hard to climax. I could go all night, not always a big problem. But gone were the days of a quick 5 minute yank…

I'm now on half the dose I was, and I will be off the medication in 2 months time. Already I feel my mojo is back.

Lowering the dose scared me at first, but now I know I no longer needs the pills. I'm recovered entirely. I'm more confident than I have ever been, and in part I thank prozac for giving me that boost.

We need to break down the taboo of anti depressants, but at the same time people need to take them correctly. Lots of people stop taking them as soon as they feel better, and this is bad. So is drinking heavily whilst on them. I hardly drink anymore, and I am so pleased about that.

Today I started on 10mg, and I will be on this for 1 month before reducing again. This is the mile stone for me, fingers crossed…

My advice to people is that this kind of medication can be of great help to many people in a difficult time, but you need to use your time on medication constructively. You need to use the opportunity to make good choices in your life, and stop making mistakes of the past.

Go forth and be reborn...

Hairy...

I'm gonna get straight to the point! I like a full bush…

No point beating about the bush (Although I quite like to beat about the bush in one sense…)

Why are men nowadays obsessed with removal of body hair? I don't understand. It's what makes us sexually attractive, and what attracts us to others. You are having yourself on if you reckon a man with no body hair is attractive. What's the point? I like a man to be a man.

I met a guy a while ago who shaves his arm pits??? Why? What is this all about? It felt so strange, just not right somehow. I like arm pit hair, it's manly!

I also don't see the point in trimming our bushes too. Yeah I've trimmed mine in the past, but what for? Somebody else? Sod it. If somebody doesn't like my bush then I really am not bothered about them in the slightest. We should all accept each other for the creatures that we are.

I know plenty of girls who like a hairy chest, but when I ask my male gay mates, they like their men shaved and trimmed? It seems to be some kind of gay elitism. Although, my brothers girl friend, who is a beauty therapist, tells me that many straight men go for full body hair removal.

Back sack and crack = OUCH!

Girls have had to endure this body hair removal silliness for many decades. I think it is abhorrent that women feel the need to shave all their hair off. So now that men are going down the same line, I'm extremely worried.

If you don't like my bush, then go away, really not interested!

Tell me...

Okay I always read into things, and get them spectacularly wrong.

I will see Facebook messages (damn the social networking era) and think there is a hidden message just for me. Who else does this?

Someone will make a statement, or quote some song lyrics, and I start to think it might be hinted at me... Usually there has to be some connection between me and that person, but do I imagine the meaning behind something? Maybe I'm self obsessed, why would somebody be hinting at somebody else? It's all about me, don't you know... :-)

I just think though, maybe some of those messages must be for me? Over a period of time I may wonder about ten of these messages. Surely I'd be right about one of them. If you've been messed about a lot, and had people play games with you, like me; then you do get paranoid about these things. It's almost like you can't live without the games somebody used to play with you.

There's a message on Facebook at the moment, and I could swear it is meant for me... What do I do? Do I ask then look a fool, or do I just leave it, and get over the anxiety? God these things are not simple. My normal advise would be to ignore these silly thoughts and move on and forget... So hard though isn't it.

I have tackled many things over the last 2 years. I have gone from having a severe nervous breakdown, to being one of the most self assured people I know. But I still have these silly little anxieties. I think it's normal, but so annoying.

Anybody else see subliminal personal messages in the things people write or say?

I was supposed to go on a date with a guy at the weekend, but unfortunately I was really ill and had to cancel. We have been texting since. It is so easy with him. No games, no strange messages, no ambiguous statements, just simplicity and honesty. Why cannot all conversations go this way? Some people make things so simple and others so hard.

If there were no liars, or cheats, or scared people, then there would be no need for paranoia. There are 2 ways to break this chain. Either we ignore our anxieties and just move on, or every person out there who communicates with hidden messages just stops!

Feel a great weight lifted now! I will no longer fall victim to my own anxieties. People in search of self actualisation cannot afford to do this.

I will stop blaming others, I will concede that my own imagination runs wild, and I will choose to beat it.

Never mind 'Tell me.' How about 'Tell yourself!'

The other fascists...

Not talking Neo Nazism here... Although...

I'm talking about body fascism. Ever been a victim?

I hate that people are judged by their body size, shape, etc. It's not just a 'meeting the other half' issue, but you can be a victim of this kind of discrimination in employment, receipt of goods and services, as well as education.

The Equality Act 2010 covers many protected characteristics, but does not protect individuals from discrimination based on their appearance, body size, shape, etc... A weakness in the legislation? Or a big can of worms waiting to burst open?

We live in a beauty obsessed world. We cannot go a day without seeing images of men and women with perfect bodies, perfect smiles, perfect hair, perfect fashion sense... It's madness. Why are we so beauty obsessed? Is it genetic? I would argue to an extent, that selection pressure to choose more attractive people is innate. But! We have brains, we can think beyond our innate tendencies. We have the gift of thought and reflection.

I was in Finland last year (my second time). I was so relieved to see a lack of body fascism within their culture. We had a house party and men and women of all shapes got their kit off. No body batted an eye lid. It was so liberating, and so wonderful to experience. I have been in the sauna with many naked men there, with their bellies hanging over their knees, not giving a damn. How wonderful! I'm a skinny mini myself and used to hate my body. The beauty obsessed media certainly played a role in my insecurity. Luckily I now love the body I have...

My advice is not easy, and is hard, but guys, learn to love your body no matter what, and your confidence will win over.

You're all beautiful!

The game...

I went to Swansea with some friends at the weekend and I thought whilst there I would conduct a social experiment. I intended to use a rubbish chat up line on at least 20 men to see what my response would be. However, the bar we went to had 10 gay men in. Most of them were probably under the age of 20. not really what I was expecting.

But I sat back and observed the mating rituals of these men. The moves, the looks, the touches… When you sit back and stop playing the game yourself and objectively observe the behaviour of those around you, you realise just how primal our behaviour is. These men have a thing for showing the curvature of their spines and putting their arse out there on display.

I'm definitely a bum man, but now realise that a lot of men out there are 'bum men.'

Some guys would dance, clearly trying to impress. Like peacocks, or birds of paradise, moving their bodies in rhythm to the music and each other. I do the same. Lets be honest, when you're single, you have other men in your head, you imagine them watching you, and you try to dance accordingly with what you think they would like to see.

The things I do:

Dance seductively.

Stick my arse right out.

Suck my belly in.

Laugh loud and fabulously.

Smile at all times.

Look like having really great time with friends even if completely and utterly bored. (Not dissing my friends by any means, I'm talking generally.)

But when we observe this behaviour, how many of us are actually impressed? Some men pull off the ritual better than others. This is shallow, but we all go along with it.

I've never dated a dancer but I can imagine sex with a dancer is like totally amazing. A good mover is surely good in the bedroom? Is it basic instinct to reproduce, regardless of whether you're gay or not. Genomes for basic instincts are largely unrelated.

Am I wrong? Are there any single people out there who do not play this game when out and about? I straighten my hair and put my best frock on to go buy my ciggies from the Co-op… Am I alone in this, or do others behave in a similar manner?

We are strange but fascinating creatures.

Ooo random thought, does anybody have the best chat up line ever? A chat up line that will never fail to work?

I cut the thread...

I've learnt a lot over recent years, mostly about myself. I am stronger now than I have ever been. I am emotionally sound and stable.

I always view life as one big CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) exercise. You basically have to stop making bad decisions and make good choices to make yourself happy. This line does not do CBT any justice but it captures the spirit of the discipline.

Today I made a bold move and cut a thread, as discussed in my previous blog. I had a man with a hold over me. A hold he has had for many years. This is no more. He is not a bad guy but I had to make a decision. I chose to move forward and find love. I always have been proactive in my love life but always had him in the back of my mind. Fortunately I am not emotionally attached or in love with him, like I once was, but he fluters around in my thoughts from time to time.

I will not let the thought of him hold me back anymore. I'm sad that I have made this choice, as I always thought he and I would one day be together. But it will not happen. It never will.

I cannot tell you how much hurt I have felt in the past, pain I do not care to feel ever again. Yes we cannot live our lives in fear of hurt but we can be sensible in the emotional attachments and bonds we form. I have learnt a lot, and I thank my mystery man for teaching me a very valuable lesson. I was very ill 2 years ago and I have come a long way since then.

I want to carry my CBT message to all those with broken hearts... It's brutal but essential to sack uninterested men off in their tracks. You do not need to live your life with unrequited love. If you get even the slightest whiff of bullshit, then pull out, move on. You're all worth so much more!

I still find it very confusing how somebody can really like you but chose not be with you? If I really liked somebody, I would want to be with them. Wouldn't you? Alas, the good news. We no longer need to worry about such questions. It doesn't matter why somebody doesn't want to be with you, the point is that they still do not want to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, then they would be! Do not fight a losing battle. Choose your own happiness and win the war!

My sadness is a temporary glitch. It's not consuming in anyway. It's almost a mourning period for the many wasted hours and days of effort and anxiety.

I do not hate my mystery man in any way. In fact we're good friends. You can be friends with somebody you once loved as long as you're both open and honest with each other. Basically you need to know exactly where you stand. Once boundaries and limits are established, you can move on and flourish...

Listen to 'Happy' by Leona Lewis, amazing lyrics that I hold close to my heart. It is how I live my life, and always will...

By a thread...

Dating is sometimes a dangerous game, has been for me in the past. I've been hurt, and I've hurt other people.

I am now mature enough to be proactive but also be sensible. I used to hang to men, always trying to keep options open, always having one man on as a fall back plan... No more...

All I ask is if I make my intentions clear to somebody, I want them to have the decency to say yes or no! Saying 'no' is absolutely fine. If you don't want to know me sexually, then say 'no'. It's really quite easy, it's a very short word, not too complex.

Sometimes it is hard to know where you stand with somebody, it's like being held by a small thread. They almost keep you hanging there. But who is to blame? The person who is too scared to be honest with you? Or you for going along with it? I'm a great follower of the 'he's just not into you' philosophy. If he is not replying to your messages, or calling you, or putting out; then he ain't interested. Either this or he is shit scared and has no self confidence. You can safely know he is not interested in you if:

He doesn't reply to your messages.
He never calls.
His friends always come first.
He doesn't want to have sex with you. (You deserve to be loved and you deserve great sex, so do not stand for this.)
I really could go on...

All this said, some men seem to have a hold over you. My advice is cut the thread before you get hurt. If you don't get what you want after making your intentions clear, then sack the prick! His loss! Move on... I have not followed this doctrine myself in the past but now I am making the bold move and shaking off any hold or thread any man has over me.

I have one such man at the moment. Yeah I like him, but after several flirt attempts, and to be honest I've basically cyber whored myself, I will not prolong the game. I'm by no means upset, I'm just frustrated, I hate losing at these games. but, I shall no longer play games.

I now have a date with a very nice guy I met once about a year ago. We're meeting up the weekend after next. Who knows he may be the one, he may not be... But sitting around waiting for love is not for me anymore.

I WILL MAKE LOVE HAPPEN FOR MYSELF!

To all the men out there who cannot be honest or enjoy keeping people held on by a thin thread... Just say no, its really quite simple...

Much Love!

And many happy endings!!!!!!

Age concern...

I want to take a moment to congratulate Miriam O'Reilly on her employment tribunal win. She won a discrimination case against the BBC for ageism. She was fired 14 months ago for being too old. Herself and others were replaced by much younger people.

Miriam was told she was too old. Can you believe that BBC bosses are now getting training???? What? Why do they need training? Surely it is obvious that you do not fire somebody because of their age. These BBC bigwigs are not stupid. They need disciplining, not training!

Well done Miriam. You have struggled and battled on for the past 14 months. I am so pleased you won your case.

Old with grace...

Anybody else feel old? I will be old in 5 days! I have a birthday looming, and no longer will I be able to say I'm in my mid twenties!

Late twenties! What is that all about?

I notice lines on my face, my body aches, hangovers are like little day trips to hell…

I don't know if I want to get old. I'm not comfortable with it. It distresses me. I don't think I'll leave home again on the eventual discovery of the first grey pube. My favourite Samantha (Sex & The City) quote, after dying her pubes… "nobody wants to f**k grandma's p***y…" Hahahahaha…

We live in such a youth obsessed society, and we all scratch our heads wondering why. Well young people look prettier. They do. Young people are gorgeous and lets not deny it! Yes some men grow into their looks, but that don't last long…

To be honest, this is not some intellectual foray into some cultural post modern identity crisis. It's more of a moan really.

I'm being unusually vain today, not normally this negative. I rarely suffer from identity anxiety, but age is one of those issues, probably my only identity issue…

Any good shrinks???????

I would love age related anxiety comments. This is something I would love to discuss further… My next personal challenge!

Find Me Somebody To Love!

Yep still single, and ready for true love…

Being single has its benefits. Not answering to anyone for example. Being one's own boss. But what about the cuddles and the snuggles and the kisses? Yep time for love.

So it is time to be proactive. I'm not one to sit around feeling sorry for myself, never have been.

As of tomorrow dating fun will begin from the comfort of my own home and I will reactivate my match.com account. I had lots of fun last time, so more to be had.

I intend to flirt and flirt and flirt. I'm gonna be a virtual slut! I'm gonna put my sexuality out there and find me some mans! Last time I had fun but on reflection I don't think I was myself. I was always trying to promote a professional business image, which was good, but didn't find compatibility. So it is time to be sexy!

I also intend to take up any opportunity that comes my way. There are quite a few blokes out there I like, and now is time to email, and text, and Facebook poke! I feel I have quite a good chance with some of the men I like, however, this knowledge is based upon signs. For example the way somebody once smiled at me. I always get these signs wrong though, I always think that somebody likes me, then after being open and hones it turns out I am spectacularly wrong. But you can never let the fear of rejection stop you!

General rules of dating:

1) Be myself.
2) Have fun.
3) Do not seem desperate.
4) No exes what so ever.
5) Nobody with personal issues, or self hate issues! (This is very important)
6) Be safe!

Here goes...

Pic 'n' mix

Okay I was asked to write about pic 'n' mix, attached is a link for a wikipedia article on the subject.

I just hope I'm not being naive and that actually this is some kind of kinky game????

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pick_'n'_mix

More dangerous myths?

I have been asked to consider why gay relationships are always short lived and why gay men are unreliable. When asking this kind of question, however, you have to be absolutely sure that this is actually the case.

Do we know for certain that gay men are more unreliable and promiscuous? Maybe they are, but we cannot afford to lend the right wing traditionalists any falsities. By asking such a question we are making a grave assumption and almost falling into and living the stereotype. Ever heard of self fulfilling prophecies?

I will for the sake of argument consider some points I have thought about today. I am going to answer the question as if its premise were in fact true.

Firstly gay men are men. So maybe this is not a 'gay issue' but a 'man' issue. Being male is what all gay men have in common. Maybe men are just hornier. This might be a bit hard going but I researched rape specific adaptations in male bird species as part of my university dissertation. You're probably asking what on earth promiscuity and unreliability have to do with rape. I hope I can try and link these.

Many male animal species seem to have evolved adaptations that trap and hold females in place during coitus, to help propagate their species. Perhaps human men have similar psychological adaptations in place that increase their sex drive, or their inability to commit as much as women to a single relationship. This would certainly help increase the likely hood of reproduction. Being gay is a genetic trait, however, the drive to propagate is potentially linked to a separate genome, thus, being gay does not halt the inability or likely hood of commitment.

Most of this is speculation and not based on much research, please correct me if I'm wrong. but what I'm arguing here is that this unreliability is not a 'gay' issue but a 'man' issue. It is just the case that a gay relationship is made up of 2 men, rather than one man. Maybe even more than one man in many cases!

Perhaps another reason for the alleged issue is that gay men have broken the mould of the 'nuclear family'. I certainly believe that if I was not gay I would not be as liberal and open minded as I am now. The battle of 'coming out' in our society is so difficult for young people. When you manage to fight this, the whole concept of the '2.4 children' family is not important.

The majority of people follow relatively normal social rules. You get a boyfriend/girlfriend, you get married, you get a mortgage, and you have children. Well us 'gays' don't need to follow any rules do we, we have fought social norms and battled with them daily... Maybe this could explain a lack of reliability in gay men, if there is such an issue.

Please comment...

Relationships & I

Well we never got along the two of us. Relationships and I have so far not seen eye to eye. I have done a lot of soul searching recently and decided to get back to blogging.

Officially I am now single... Oh dear! One guy with a million potentials... Compatibility however is the challenge. I've done serial dating in the past and had lots of fun but nothing long term has emerged from my fun and frolics.

Despite the issue of compatibility, we have a modern condition of choice and ambition. We are now faced with endless life choices, destinations, careers, lifestyles! Do we have time to date, never mind being in long term relationships?

I was talking with a friend about these things the other day. I want love, true love, but I want to travel abroad, learn a language, live in france, get a vineyard, have a fabulous international career. Well we can't have all these things, unless you find a partner who has the exact same ambitions as you; highly unlikely I think.

What takes priority? Love or ambition?

I came to the conclusion, after years of thought, that I choose love. I would choose true love over anything. This made me realise that love is my real ambition. But I want to feel love with somebody else that feels the same way! I don't want to spend my life nursing a broken heart. But is this the modern condition? Is this the path for the majority of us who do not find absolute compatibility?

One thing for sure is that I do not want to settle. I do not want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. When I talk about love I mean true, passionate, inconvenient, fire works, love! The kind of love you would die for, love that consumes your every being.

I have been in love before, and been in a sticky, awful, heart breaking situation. Ambition and dreams at the detriment of my heart. Not nice. I never want to go through this again. I do not want to fall in love with somebody only to find out that I am not the most important part of their life. I am not disposable; non of us are!

Hearts mend, but time ticks by... Endlessly tormenting the majority of us.

One thing I know is I will not and cannot live happily without true love. I can be content but not truly satisfied.

I believe this is the case for all of us. People may want to live their dreams without love, but they are frightened. They are scared of being hurt, and deeply insecure. Please correct me if you think I am wrong. Yes my opinion is bound to be egocentric. Yes I'm projecting my view of love on others, but I cannot understand those who are frightened of love. I do not comprehend this.

I may give up some dreams, some career choices; but I will not abandon love!

Please comment, I am intrigued...