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Prozac diary 3

Withdrawal Hell.

But, it's now over...

I stopped taking my medication 2 weeks ago. I spent 3 months slowly reducing my dose. Month by month feeling great and more human again.

Then 2 days after stopping my medication completely I was in withdrawal. It was absolutely awful.

My immediate reaction was to think I was having a nervous breakdown again. The symptoms were so strange. I had the most bizarre 'brain zaps'. They were like constant shots of electricity going through my brain. Horrendous. I constantly felt nauseous and dizzy. It was like waking up with severe vertigo.

I am not being a drama queen in the slightest. It was a terrifying experience. I thought I had reduced my medication sensibly and was not expecting such a reaction.

I went to the doctors just for some reassurance, and yes I was not 'cracking' up, and my symptoms were perfectly normal. How you can call 'brain zaps' normal I have no idea.

I am now fine, and I am so glad I stuck by my guns and refused to go back on the meds.

I'm also adjusting to my new emotional state. I was a zombie for 2 years. But now, emotions are like totally awesome! I feel myself welling up and wanting to burst into tears at every thought. This is not a negative thing. If I read something joyful in the newspaper, I have to fight to hold back the tears. It is so strange but so nice to be human again... To feel overwhelming happiness and joy, is such a pleasure!

I will keep you updated on my volatile emotional state!

Thump!

I was not cyber stalking...

I just accidentally saw some photos on Facebook that I wish I had never seen.

I was very mature and civilised and did not react in a childish way. I could have thrown such a strop, I could have made somebody's life miserable. Alas, I decided to portray the new, sorted, mature me...

Have you ever been so in love with somebody that they're in the back of your mind for years, even decades. Have you forgotten about them, but as soon as you smell that aftershave, hear that song, or see a photo... Your heart flutters.

Actually, 'flutter' is completely the wrong word. I would say 'thump', 'hammer', 'pound'. Not just your heart, but your head, your body... You can feel it and hear it.

Do you know, wouldn't it be fun to play the love and heartbreak onomatopoeia game? How many words can you think of to describe the sound or feelings of love and hurt.

I digress... But feel free to comment with some words...

So back to the point. I saw photos of the guy I once loved with a new man. Oh yes. Shock! I was for a millisecond crippled with grief, then I reflected and went into CBT mode. I thought, maybe it's just a friend, or a one off shag, or maybe a cousin. Then I thought, so what if it is a new man, big deal. Then I felt sad, then I felt okay, then I felt sad again. Then I felt angry, because the 'once upon a time love of my life' told me he was not interested in relationships. Yes, it was apparently nothing to do with me, it was just he wasn't in a relationship place. Then there are photos of him and this man enjoying good times, travelling, blah blah blah. To add to all this the guy in the photos is absolutely bloody gorgeous. Well talk about a pathetic and disgusting moment of self loathing and insecurity.

Why could that not have been me in the photos. Why?

Then... The anger went, and the sensible person within me found solid ground and stood up tall. But, I then wanted to know more. I was still sad, I felt good about myself, but I was intrigued...

So. I sent him a text. Oh yes I did. The one thing you should never do; text an old flame! I was quite upfront and asked him if he had a boyfriend. He replied saying that he is technically single but just having fun. Hmm? Well this did not satisfy my lust for more juicy info, but I had to let it rest. God, I didn't want to look desperate. Ha!

After some more thought, the next day, I felt even better about the situation. I was initially so angry that I had been 'lied' to. But then I realised I was being set free. I did not have to ponder the 'whys' because it is clear this old flame is not interested in me. Wow, simples! I am so pleased I was civil with him now. Can you imagine if I had have been nasty? I would not have got anywhere with him anyway, and would have got myself even more worked up.

The message is simple. If you have been misled, then give up. Do not pursue your 'flame'. The 'flame' is not interested in you if he is happy to mislead you and not respect you with honesty.

Let old dogs lie and move on. In fact be civil. Go on. Surprise them and be nice! You'll feel a whole lot better too....

Prozac diary 2

Continuing from my previous entry on prozac...

I am now on the lowest dose possible to buy over the counter. I am on this for 2 more weeks and then my relationship with prozac is over!

I feel amazing. Part of me is wishing I came off of the stuff sooner. I feel human again. I am no longer tired all the time. My leg tremor has virtually stopped, I get aroused so easily, I feel so happy and content, I do not dwell on the past. I feel completely at one.

Prozac helped me when I needed it, and many others could benefit from it's power. However, you cannot spend your life on it. You need to come off and be human again. Use prozac as an opportunity to use CBT and start to think positively and constructively.

Initially I was terrified about coming off of my medication, but now I am glad I have done. My message to all of those who are worried about reducing their medication, is not to be. As long as you have sorted your life out, and you know which path you are to take, then you no longer need the meds...

Diary of a non smoker entry 1

I'm a non smoker, I'm a non smoker, I'm a non smoker!

I am so anxious right now. I have gone 3 days without a cigarette, and I am ready to climb the walls. Tonight is the hardest night. I have fought severe cravings, and nearly cracked. I probably would have cracked if my parents weren't around to cast judgment.

I always have in the back of my mind "One cigarette isn't going to hurt," but I know it will. Each fag knocks minutes off of your life expectancy. I enjoy smoking, and part of my brain is saying "Why give up something that you enjoy?"

I am proud I resisted tonight, and decided I need to write about it. Somehow I feel this will keep me focused and motivated.

It is easy to feel lost, when you part from something that you thoroughly enjoy. I feel lonely. Honestly. Only a smoker or an ex smoker can understand this. I can only assume the non smokers out there think this is slightly pathetic. But, it really is difficult. More difficult than you can imagine.

I have decided to use very little nicotine replacement, and only use it when I have a major craving. This seems to help a bit in my times of crisis.

If only smoking was cheap, good for you, great for your skin, and smelt like Lush. Ah that would be bliss.

Wow, to think I will no longer stink, will have more money in my bank account, keep my youthful skin longer, and feel healthier. Great motivation. But will power is a must. Thinking of the benefits helps in the long term, but for the short term fix needed, the benefits pail in comparison.

I will keep this diary updated, as I am sure there will be plenty of drama ahead.

Gamer...

Would you date a gamer?

I wouldn't. Been there, got the t-shirt, it didn't fit!

I've had such a good time with various friends talking about our experiences of dating gamers. None of them were good. One of my dearest friends dated a gamer for several years, and she cannot believe she lasted so long.

Another friend split up recently from her gamer ex. She was heart broken, she loved him so much. He on the other hand thought more of his X-Box.

I dated a gamer once too, he was gay (obviously), but Lara Croft was far more appealing to him than me. His idea of a romantic night in was playing on his Play Station, whilst I watched. Sex was never an option. I would lay on the bed, wanting sex, hoping he would complete his level SOON. What sort of relationship is that?

Sex or a video game? Hmmm let me think!

Gamers do not have the ability to form human relationships, this is why they should stay away from other human beings. If you are a gamer, then this is a genuine life style choice, but do not pretend that you are capable of being in a grown up relationship.

Have you ever used the 'it's me or the playstation!' ultimatum? I have, and I came second. Final Fantasy totally kicked my arse!

Gamers lack all kinds of confidence, this is why they need to disappear into their little virtual worlds. How sad.

I love human contact, conversation, and company. I have tried to play games in the past, and got so bored. Battery chickens have better social skills.

Most people I know have dated a gamer at some point, and it has never lasted. They had little attention, little respect, and little sex. Housework never got done. Plates would pile high. Ash trays never got emptied. Pets did not go for walks.

A friend of mine told me how her gamer ex would wear the same clothes for days. I dated a gamer once, who showered once a fortnight. Not a word of a lie. I was young, naive, so don't judge me.

I would like to create an outreach service for gamers. I am being serious. Gamers need help.

I am sure I am going to upset some people, and I know there will be lots of gamers who think they can form a genuine human relationship. I would love to hear from a gamer who is in a happy relationship! Seriously, please contact me, let me know how you make it work. I would like to hear from your partner too.

This article is not just a out men. There are female gamers too. I used to live with one. We wouldn't see her for days, bill money would not get paid up, smoke would drift from under her door. You could smell the old pizza crusts rotting. And yes she was miserable. Instead of talking to people, and trying to get her life on track, she disappeared into a fantasy land.

Gaming is not healthy, and it is not attractive, and it is anti social.

The people I have spoken to, all seem happier after leaving their gamer exes. They feel free, liberate somehow. They are no longer frustrated, they no longer feel ignored or worthless.

I have spoken to some people who do not mind that their partners are gamers. They say that it is nice to have their own space. Sounds great doesn't it? But I do not want to be in a relationship where I can enjoy time on my own every day. I want to be in a relationship with somebody that wants to spend time with me. If you are in a relationship with a gamer, who prefers to spend his time with Lara Croft, then it is not a relationship worth having. You deserve to be with someone who you can stand to be with. Not be with someone who you can lock away in a room while he plays on computer games.

Games will always come first to a gamer. This is fact! You cannot compete with a Play Station. Don't waste your time, and step away from the gamer. You will not be satisfied, or feel fulfilled.

Gamers you seriously need to take a long look at your lives. You need to plan what you want to do with your lives, what will make you happy, and you need to make it happen. Be positive! But please stop gaming. You will never be happy, and you will never make somebody else happy!

Gamers, I strongly suggest you put the controls down and get a life!

Breakdown...

There is somebody, very dear to me, who is breaking down...

I love my friend dearly, but you need to know, you are doing all the wrong things.

When you have a nervous breakdown, the first thing you need to do is rest. Sleep, sleep, rest, sleep, rest, sleep. Sleep is what your body is crying out for. You need to stop everything you are doing and just rest.

Drinking, having wild orgies, being dysfunctional; all the wrong things. You may feel in the pits of despair, you will be terrified, you won't know what to do with yourself, you will have rapid and constant thoughts. But STOP! Rest my love.

Rest for weeks if necessary. You need to let your body and mind recover. SSRI medications are also very good. Ignore the stigma attached to such medications. They will help you in your time of desperate need, but you need to be sensible and stop drinking.

I have been here my dear. I know what it is like. But I did all the right things. I wanted to recover and I knew exactly what to do.

You will have a long journey of self discovery ahead of you, but enjoy the progress you make. Love the little steps to better mental health you make. Believe me you need to start making some. Force yourself to enjoy your own company. Do this by spending time alone, and slowly get used to it. May take some time, but learn to relax when on your own. Make small steps at a time.

If you continue on the path you are taking right now, you will not get better. You will remain in the pits of despair. You will not flourish, like the rose you really are.

I'm always here for you my love, but you need to listen and stop being so dysfunctional.

Love you...

Can you love somebody else if you don't love who you are? I think not.

So many dysfunctional relationships, single miserable people, full of self loathing. I would argue most people need a little lesson in self love. I am not talking narcissism, I am talking about loving the person you are. Inside, and yes, on the surface.

It is impossible to hold a decent relationship, or indeed even find one, if you cannot have a decent relationship with the most important person in your life; you! If you cannot love who you are, you spend your life assuming that others won't. Not only are you making an assumption about other's desires and feelings, but to be honest you're right. I have dated many men with self loathing, and it is very unattractive. You may think I am being a bit harsh, but people out there really need some tough love. A serious reality check!

If you have self identity issues, or you hate the way you look, or you think you're a horrible person; go out there and get some help. There are various charities, you can go to your GP and see if you can get some CBT or counselling. You can talk to me! When I say 'get some help', I do not mean save up for a breast job or a nose job, I want you to learn to love the person you are, inside and out... Without this you cannot love anybody else. And, indeed, nobody will truly love you.

This is a harsh reality, but true. Yeah building self confidence is not an easy thing, and it will take time. But you can get there. I did it. I was a miserable self loathing teenager, with no confidence. I thought I was ugly and nobody would love me. I always walked around with my shoulders stooped, wearing horrible clothes. I suppose I thought I did not deserve to wear nice clothes and be attractive. It took me years of practice to learn to love myself.

I am a fabulous and wonderful individual, and I want all my friends to feel the same about themselves.

I had a friend once who thought it was shallow to not want to date somebody because they had self hate and self confidence issues. I object to this. Why would I want to spend my time and energy reassuring somebody all the live long day? I wouldn't. I have a right to meet somebody who is self assured.

I will write later in more depth about my journey, and how I learned to love the person I am today. I still see life as a journey in self discovery, and we all should. Forget about God, religion, faith? Have faith in yourself! You are the most important person you'll ever have a relationship with, time is ticking, so you better make it a good one.

If you like who you are, your anxieties disappear. You can invite somebody into your life, and want to share yourself with them. If you do not like who you are, what have you got to give another person? Nothing but misery.

To all my lovelies! I love you! Love yourself!

Prozac diary 1...

I have been on Escitalopram, an SSRI, for nearly 2 years now.

I don't care about the stigma attached to prozac, it did me good when I needed it. It gave me the opportunity to sort my self out after a horrendous nervous breakdown 2 years ago.

I'm unsure whether the medication gave me my life back, or whether I did it all myself. I certainly have a CBT head on my shoulder, but I think in the initial stages of crippling anxiety, the pills helped me lots.

There were no real side affects accept not being able to ejaculate. It didn't affect my arousal, but I would find it hard to climax. I could go all night, not always a big problem. But gone were the days of a quick 5 minute yank…

I'm now on half the dose I was, and I will be off the medication in 2 months time. Already I feel my mojo is back.

Lowering the dose scared me at first, but now I know I no longer needs the pills. I'm recovered entirely. I'm more confident than I have ever been, and in part I thank prozac for giving me that boost.

We need to break down the taboo of anti depressants, but at the same time people need to take them correctly. Lots of people stop taking them as soon as they feel better, and this is bad. So is drinking heavily whilst on them. I hardly drink anymore, and I am so pleased about that.

Today I started on 10mg, and I will be on this for 1 month before reducing again. This is the mile stone for me, fingers crossed…

My advice to people is that this kind of medication can be of great help to many people in a difficult time, but you need to use your time on medication constructively. You need to use the opportunity to make good choices in your life, and stop making mistakes of the past.

Go forth and be reborn...

Hairy...

I'm gonna get straight to the point! I like a full bush…

No point beating about the bush (Although I quite like to beat about the bush in one sense…)

Why are men nowadays obsessed with removal of body hair? I don't understand. It's what makes us sexually attractive, and what attracts us to others. You are having yourself on if you reckon a man with no body hair is attractive. What's the point? I like a man to be a man.

I met a guy a while ago who shaves his arm pits??? Why? What is this all about? It felt so strange, just not right somehow. I like arm pit hair, it's manly!

I also don't see the point in trimming our bushes too. Yeah I've trimmed mine in the past, but what for? Somebody else? Sod it. If somebody doesn't like my bush then I really am not bothered about them in the slightest. We should all accept each other for the creatures that we are.

I know plenty of girls who like a hairy chest, but when I ask my male gay mates, they like their men shaved and trimmed? It seems to be some kind of gay elitism. Although, my brothers girl friend, who is a beauty therapist, tells me that many straight men go for full body hair removal.

Back sack and crack = OUCH!

Girls have had to endure this body hair removal silliness for many decades. I think it is abhorrent that women feel the need to shave all their hair off. So now that men are going down the same line, I'm extremely worried.

If you don't like my bush, then go away, really not interested!