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Prozac diary 3

Withdrawal Hell.

But, it's now over...

I stopped taking my medication 2 weeks ago. I spent 3 months slowly reducing my dose. Month by month feeling great and more human again.

Then 2 days after stopping my medication completely I was in withdrawal. It was absolutely awful.

My immediate reaction was to think I was having a nervous breakdown again. The symptoms were so strange. I had the most bizarre 'brain zaps'. They were like constant shots of electricity going through my brain. Horrendous. I constantly felt nauseous and dizzy. It was like waking up with severe vertigo.

I am not being a drama queen in the slightest. It was a terrifying experience. I thought I had reduced my medication sensibly and was not expecting such a reaction.

I went to the doctors just for some reassurance, and yes I was not 'cracking' up, and my symptoms were perfectly normal. How you can call 'brain zaps' normal I have no idea.

I am now fine, and I am so glad I stuck by my guns and refused to go back on the meds.

I'm also adjusting to my new emotional state. I was a zombie for 2 years. But now, emotions are like totally awesome! I feel myself welling up and wanting to burst into tears at every thought. This is not a negative thing. If I read something joyful in the newspaper, I have to fight to hold back the tears. It is so strange but so nice to be human again... To feel overwhelming happiness and joy, is such a pleasure!

I will keep you updated on my volatile emotional state!

Thump!

I was not cyber stalking...

I just accidentally saw some photos on Facebook that I wish I had never seen.

I was very mature and civilised and did not react in a childish way. I could have thrown such a strop, I could have made somebody's life miserable. Alas, I decided to portray the new, sorted, mature me...

Have you ever been so in love with somebody that they're in the back of your mind for years, even decades. Have you forgotten about them, but as soon as you smell that aftershave, hear that song, or see a photo... Your heart flutters.

Actually, 'flutter' is completely the wrong word. I would say 'thump', 'hammer', 'pound'. Not just your heart, but your head, your body... You can feel it and hear it.

Do you know, wouldn't it be fun to play the love and heartbreak onomatopoeia game? How many words can you think of to describe the sound or feelings of love and hurt.

I digress... But feel free to comment with some words...

So back to the point. I saw photos of the guy I once loved with a new man. Oh yes. Shock! I was for a millisecond crippled with grief, then I reflected and went into CBT mode. I thought, maybe it's just a friend, or a one off shag, or maybe a cousin. Then I thought, so what if it is a new man, big deal. Then I felt sad, then I felt okay, then I felt sad again. Then I felt angry, because the 'once upon a time love of my life' told me he was not interested in relationships. Yes, it was apparently nothing to do with me, it was just he wasn't in a relationship place. Then there are photos of him and this man enjoying good times, travelling, blah blah blah. To add to all this the guy in the photos is absolutely bloody gorgeous. Well talk about a pathetic and disgusting moment of self loathing and insecurity.

Why could that not have been me in the photos. Why?

Then... The anger went, and the sensible person within me found solid ground and stood up tall. But, I then wanted to know more. I was still sad, I felt good about myself, but I was intrigued...

So. I sent him a text. Oh yes I did. The one thing you should never do; text an old flame! I was quite upfront and asked him if he had a boyfriend. He replied saying that he is technically single but just having fun. Hmm? Well this did not satisfy my lust for more juicy info, but I had to let it rest. God, I didn't want to look desperate. Ha!

After some more thought, the next day, I felt even better about the situation. I was initially so angry that I had been 'lied' to. But then I realised I was being set free. I did not have to ponder the 'whys' because it is clear this old flame is not interested in me. Wow, simples! I am so pleased I was civil with him now. Can you imagine if I had have been nasty? I would not have got anywhere with him anyway, and would have got myself even more worked up.

The message is simple. If you have been misled, then give up. Do not pursue your 'flame'. The 'flame' is not interested in you if he is happy to mislead you and not respect you with honesty.

Let old dogs lie and move on. In fact be civil. Go on. Surprise them and be nice! You'll feel a whole lot better too....