The other fascists...

Not talking Neo Nazism here... Although...

I'm talking about body fascism. Ever been a victim?

I hate that people are judged by their body size, shape, etc. It's not just a 'meeting the other half' issue, but you can be a victim of this kind of discrimination in employment, receipt of goods and services, as well as education.

The Equality Act 2010 covers many protected characteristics, but does not protect individuals from discrimination based on their appearance, body size, shape, etc... A weakness in the legislation? Or a big can of worms waiting to burst open?

We live in a beauty obsessed world. We cannot go a day without seeing images of men and women with perfect bodies, perfect smiles, perfect hair, perfect fashion sense... It's madness. Why are we so beauty obsessed? Is it genetic? I would argue to an extent, that selection pressure to choose more attractive people is innate. But! We have brains, we can think beyond our innate tendencies. We have the gift of thought and reflection.

I was in Finland last year (my second time). I was so relieved to see a lack of body fascism within their culture. We had a house party and men and women of all shapes got their kit off. No body batted an eye lid. It was so liberating, and so wonderful to experience. I have been in the sauna with many naked men there, with their bellies hanging over their knees, not giving a damn. How wonderful! I'm a skinny mini myself and used to hate my body. The beauty obsessed media certainly played a role in my insecurity. Luckily I now love the body I have...

My advice is not easy, and is hard, but guys, learn to love your body no matter what, and your confidence will win over.

You're all beautiful!

The game...

I went to Swansea with some friends at the weekend and I thought whilst there I would conduct a social experiment. I intended to use a rubbish chat up line on at least 20 men to see what my response would be. However, the bar we went to had 10 gay men in. Most of them were probably under the age of 20. not really what I was expecting.

But I sat back and observed the mating rituals of these men. The moves, the looks, the touches… When you sit back and stop playing the game yourself and objectively observe the behaviour of those around you, you realise just how primal our behaviour is. These men have a thing for showing the curvature of their spines and putting their arse out there on display.

I'm definitely a bum man, but now realise that a lot of men out there are 'bum men.'

Some guys would dance, clearly trying to impress. Like peacocks, or birds of paradise, moving their bodies in rhythm to the music and each other. I do the same. Lets be honest, when you're single, you have other men in your head, you imagine them watching you, and you try to dance accordingly with what you think they would like to see.

The things I do:

Dance seductively.

Stick my arse right out.

Suck my belly in.

Laugh loud and fabulously.

Smile at all times.

Look like having really great time with friends even if completely and utterly bored. (Not dissing my friends by any means, I'm talking generally.)

But when we observe this behaviour, how many of us are actually impressed? Some men pull off the ritual better than others. This is shallow, but we all go along with it.

I've never dated a dancer but I can imagine sex with a dancer is like totally amazing. A good mover is surely good in the bedroom? Is it basic instinct to reproduce, regardless of whether you're gay or not. Genomes for basic instincts are largely unrelated.

Am I wrong? Are there any single people out there who do not play this game when out and about? I straighten my hair and put my best frock on to go buy my ciggies from the Co-op… Am I alone in this, or do others behave in a similar manner?

We are strange but fascinating creatures.

Ooo random thought, does anybody have the best chat up line ever? A chat up line that will never fail to work?

I cut the thread...

I've learnt a lot over recent years, mostly about myself. I am stronger now than I have ever been. I am emotionally sound and stable.

I always view life as one big CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) exercise. You basically have to stop making bad decisions and make good choices to make yourself happy. This line does not do CBT any justice but it captures the spirit of the discipline.

Today I made a bold move and cut a thread, as discussed in my previous blog. I had a man with a hold over me. A hold he has had for many years. This is no more. He is not a bad guy but I had to make a decision. I chose to move forward and find love. I always have been proactive in my love life but always had him in the back of my mind. Fortunately I am not emotionally attached or in love with him, like I once was, but he fluters around in my thoughts from time to time.

I will not let the thought of him hold me back anymore. I'm sad that I have made this choice, as I always thought he and I would one day be together. But it will not happen. It never will.

I cannot tell you how much hurt I have felt in the past, pain I do not care to feel ever again. Yes we cannot live our lives in fear of hurt but we can be sensible in the emotional attachments and bonds we form. I have learnt a lot, and I thank my mystery man for teaching me a very valuable lesson. I was very ill 2 years ago and I have come a long way since then.

I want to carry my CBT message to all those with broken hearts... It's brutal but essential to sack uninterested men off in their tracks. You do not need to live your life with unrequited love. If you get even the slightest whiff of bullshit, then pull out, move on. You're all worth so much more!

I still find it very confusing how somebody can really like you but chose not be with you? If I really liked somebody, I would want to be with them. Wouldn't you? Alas, the good news. We no longer need to worry about such questions. It doesn't matter why somebody doesn't want to be with you, the point is that they still do not want to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, then they would be! Do not fight a losing battle. Choose your own happiness and win the war!

My sadness is a temporary glitch. It's not consuming in anyway. It's almost a mourning period for the many wasted hours and days of effort and anxiety.

I do not hate my mystery man in any way. In fact we're good friends. You can be friends with somebody you once loved as long as you're both open and honest with each other. Basically you need to know exactly where you stand. Once boundaries and limits are established, you can move on and flourish...

Listen to 'Happy' by Leona Lewis, amazing lyrics that I hold close to my heart. It is how I live my life, and always will...

By a thread...

Dating is sometimes a dangerous game, has been for me in the past. I've been hurt, and I've hurt other people.

I am now mature enough to be proactive but also be sensible. I used to hang to men, always trying to keep options open, always having one man on as a fall back plan... No more...

All I ask is if I make my intentions clear to somebody, I want them to have the decency to say yes or no! Saying 'no' is absolutely fine. If you don't want to know me sexually, then say 'no'. It's really quite easy, it's a very short word, not too complex.

Sometimes it is hard to know where you stand with somebody, it's like being held by a small thread. They almost keep you hanging there. But who is to blame? The person who is too scared to be honest with you? Or you for going along with it? I'm a great follower of the 'he's just not into you' philosophy. If he is not replying to your messages, or calling you, or putting out; then he ain't interested. Either this or he is shit scared and has no self confidence. You can safely know he is not interested in you if:

He doesn't reply to your messages.
He never calls.
His friends always come first.
He doesn't want to have sex with you. (You deserve to be loved and you deserve great sex, so do not stand for this.)
I really could go on...

All this said, some men seem to have a hold over you. My advice is cut the thread before you get hurt. If you don't get what you want after making your intentions clear, then sack the prick! His loss! Move on... I have not followed this doctrine myself in the past but now I am making the bold move and shaking off any hold or thread any man has over me.

I have one such man at the moment. Yeah I like him, but after several flirt attempts, and to be honest I've basically cyber whored myself, I will not prolong the game. I'm by no means upset, I'm just frustrated, I hate losing at these games. but, I shall no longer play games.

I now have a date with a very nice guy I met once about a year ago. We're meeting up the weekend after next. Who knows he may be the one, he may not be... But sitting around waiting for love is not for me anymore.

I WILL MAKE LOVE HAPPEN FOR MYSELF!

To all the men out there who cannot be honest or enjoy keeping people held on by a thin thread... Just say no, its really quite simple...

Much Love!

And many happy endings!!!!!!

Age concern...

I want to take a moment to congratulate Miriam O'Reilly on her employment tribunal win. She won a discrimination case against the BBC for ageism. She was fired 14 months ago for being too old. Herself and others were replaced by much younger people.

Miriam was told she was too old. Can you believe that BBC bosses are now getting training???? What? Why do they need training? Surely it is obvious that you do not fire somebody because of their age. These BBC bigwigs are not stupid. They need disciplining, not training!

Well done Miriam. You have struggled and battled on for the past 14 months. I am so pleased you won your case.

Old with grace...

Anybody else feel old? I will be old in 5 days! I have a birthday looming, and no longer will I be able to say I'm in my mid twenties!

Late twenties! What is that all about?

I notice lines on my face, my body aches, hangovers are like little day trips to hell…

I don't know if I want to get old. I'm not comfortable with it. It distresses me. I don't think I'll leave home again on the eventual discovery of the first grey pube. My favourite Samantha (Sex & The City) quote, after dying her pubes… "nobody wants to f**k grandma's p***y…" Hahahahaha…

We live in such a youth obsessed society, and we all scratch our heads wondering why. Well young people look prettier. They do. Young people are gorgeous and lets not deny it! Yes some men grow into their looks, but that don't last long…

To be honest, this is not some intellectual foray into some cultural post modern identity crisis. It's more of a moan really.

I'm being unusually vain today, not normally this negative. I rarely suffer from identity anxiety, but age is one of those issues, probably my only identity issue…

Any good shrinks???????

I would love age related anxiety comments. This is something I would love to discuss further… My next personal challenge!

Find Me Somebody To Love!

Yep still single, and ready for true love…

Being single has its benefits. Not answering to anyone for example. Being one's own boss. But what about the cuddles and the snuggles and the kisses? Yep time for love.

So it is time to be proactive. I'm not one to sit around feeling sorry for myself, never have been.

As of tomorrow dating fun will begin from the comfort of my own home and I will reactivate my match.com account. I had lots of fun last time, so more to be had.

I intend to flirt and flirt and flirt. I'm gonna be a virtual slut! I'm gonna put my sexuality out there and find me some mans! Last time I had fun but on reflection I don't think I was myself. I was always trying to promote a professional business image, which was good, but didn't find compatibility. So it is time to be sexy!

I also intend to take up any opportunity that comes my way. There are quite a few blokes out there I like, and now is time to email, and text, and Facebook poke! I feel I have quite a good chance with some of the men I like, however, this knowledge is based upon signs. For example the way somebody once smiled at me. I always get these signs wrong though, I always think that somebody likes me, then after being open and hones it turns out I am spectacularly wrong. But you can never let the fear of rejection stop you!

General rules of dating:

1) Be myself.
2) Have fun.
3) Do not seem desperate.
4) No exes what so ever.
5) Nobody with personal issues, or self hate issues! (This is very important)
6) Be safe!

Here goes...

Pic 'n' mix

Okay I was asked to write about pic 'n' mix, attached is a link for a wikipedia article on the subject.

I just hope I'm not being naive and that actually this is some kind of kinky game????

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pick_'n'_mix

More dangerous myths?

I have been asked to consider why gay relationships are always short lived and why gay men are unreliable. When asking this kind of question, however, you have to be absolutely sure that this is actually the case.

Do we know for certain that gay men are more unreliable and promiscuous? Maybe they are, but we cannot afford to lend the right wing traditionalists any falsities. By asking such a question we are making a grave assumption and almost falling into and living the stereotype. Ever heard of self fulfilling prophecies?

I will for the sake of argument consider some points I have thought about today. I am going to answer the question as if its premise were in fact true.

Firstly gay men are men. So maybe this is not a 'gay issue' but a 'man' issue. Being male is what all gay men have in common. Maybe men are just hornier. This might be a bit hard going but I researched rape specific adaptations in male bird species as part of my university dissertation. You're probably asking what on earth promiscuity and unreliability have to do with rape. I hope I can try and link these.

Many male animal species seem to have evolved adaptations that trap and hold females in place during coitus, to help propagate their species. Perhaps human men have similar psychological adaptations in place that increase their sex drive, or their inability to commit as much as women to a single relationship. This would certainly help increase the likely hood of reproduction. Being gay is a genetic trait, however, the drive to propagate is potentially linked to a separate genome, thus, being gay does not halt the inability or likely hood of commitment.

Most of this is speculation and not based on much research, please correct me if I'm wrong. but what I'm arguing here is that this unreliability is not a 'gay' issue but a 'man' issue. It is just the case that a gay relationship is made up of 2 men, rather than one man. Maybe even more than one man in many cases!

Perhaps another reason for the alleged issue is that gay men have broken the mould of the 'nuclear family'. I certainly believe that if I was not gay I would not be as liberal and open minded as I am now. The battle of 'coming out' in our society is so difficult for young people. When you manage to fight this, the whole concept of the '2.4 children' family is not important.

The majority of people follow relatively normal social rules. You get a boyfriend/girlfriend, you get married, you get a mortgage, and you have children. Well us 'gays' don't need to follow any rules do we, we have fought social norms and battled with them daily... Maybe this could explain a lack of reliability in gay men, if there is such an issue.

Please comment...

Relationships & I

Well we never got along the two of us. Relationships and I have so far not seen eye to eye. I have done a lot of soul searching recently and decided to get back to blogging.

Officially I am now single... Oh dear! One guy with a million potentials... Compatibility however is the challenge. I've done serial dating in the past and had lots of fun but nothing long term has emerged from my fun and frolics.

Despite the issue of compatibility, we have a modern condition of choice and ambition. We are now faced with endless life choices, destinations, careers, lifestyles! Do we have time to date, never mind being in long term relationships?

I was talking with a friend about these things the other day. I want love, true love, but I want to travel abroad, learn a language, live in france, get a vineyard, have a fabulous international career. Well we can't have all these things, unless you find a partner who has the exact same ambitions as you; highly unlikely I think.

What takes priority? Love or ambition?

I came to the conclusion, after years of thought, that I choose love. I would choose true love over anything. This made me realise that love is my real ambition. But I want to feel love with somebody else that feels the same way! I don't want to spend my life nursing a broken heart. But is this the modern condition? Is this the path for the majority of us who do not find absolute compatibility?

One thing for sure is that I do not want to settle. I do not want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. When I talk about love I mean true, passionate, inconvenient, fire works, love! The kind of love you would die for, love that consumes your every being.

I have been in love before, and been in a sticky, awful, heart breaking situation. Ambition and dreams at the detriment of my heart. Not nice. I never want to go through this again. I do not want to fall in love with somebody only to find out that I am not the most important part of their life. I am not disposable; non of us are!

Hearts mend, but time ticks by... Endlessly tormenting the majority of us.

One thing I know is I will not and cannot live happily without true love. I can be content but not truly satisfied.

I believe this is the case for all of us. People may want to live their dreams without love, but they are frightened. They are scared of being hurt, and deeply insecure. Please correct me if you think I am wrong. Yes my opinion is bound to be egocentric. Yes I'm projecting my view of love on others, but I cannot understand those who are frightened of love. I do not comprehend this.

I may give up some dreams, some career choices; but I will not abandon love!

Please comment, I am intrigued...