I cut the thread...

I've learnt a lot over recent years, mostly about myself. I am stronger now than I have ever been. I am emotionally sound and stable.

I always view life as one big CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) exercise. You basically have to stop making bad decisions and make good choices to make yourself happy. This line does not do CBT any justice but it captures the spirit of the discipline.

Today I made a bold move and cut a thread, as discussed in my previous blog. I had a man with a hold over me. A hold he has had for many years. This is no more. He is not a bad guy but I had to make a decision. I chose to move forward and find love. I always have been proactive in my love life but always had him in the back of my mind. Fortunately I am not emotionally attached or in love with him, like I once was, but he fluters around in my thoughts from time to time.

I will not let the thought of him hold me back anymore. I'm sad that I have made this choice, as I always thought he and I would one day be together. But it will not happen. It never will.

I cannot tell you how much hurt I have felt in the past, pain I do not care to feel ever again. Yes we cannot live our lives in fear of hurt but we can be sensible in the emotional attachments and bonds we form. I have learnt a lot, and I thank my mystery man for teaching me a very valuable lesson. I was very ill 2 years ago and I have come a long way since then.

I want to carry my CBT message to all those with broken hearts... It's brutal but essential to sack uninterested men off in their tracks. You do not need to live your life with unrequited love. If you get even the slightest whiff of bullshit, then pull out, move on. You're all worth so much more!

I still find it very confusing how somebody can really like you but chose not be with you? If I really liked somebody, I would want to be with them. Wouldn't you? Alas, the good news. We no longer need to worry about such questions. It doesn't matter why somebody doesn't want to be with you, the point is that they still do not want to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, then they would be! Do not fight a losing battle. Choose your own happiness and win the war!

My sadness is a temporary glitch. It's not consuming in anyway. It's almost a mourning period for the many wasted hours and days of effort and anxiety.

I do not hate my mystery man in any way. In fact we're good friends. You can be friends with somebody you once loved as long as you're both open and honest with each other. Basically you need to know exactly where you stand. Once boundaries and limits are established, you can move on and flourish...

Listen to 'Happy' by Leona Lewis, amazing lyrics that I hold close to my heart. It is how I live my life, and always will...

By a thread...

Dating is sometimes a dangerous game, has been for me in the past. I've been hurt, and I've hurt other people.

I am now mature enough to be proactive but also be sensible. I used to hang to men, always trying to keep options open, always having one man on as a fall back plan... No more...

All I ask is if I make my intentions clear to somebody, I want them to have the decency to say yes or no! Saying 'no' is absolutely fine. If you don't want to know me sexually, then say 'no'. It's really quite easy, it's a very short word, not too complex.

Sometimes it is hard to know where you stand with somebody, it's like being held by a small thread. They almost keep you hanging there. But who is to blame? The person who is too scared to be honest with you? Or you for going along with it? I'm a great follower of the 'he's just not into you' philosophy. If he is not replying to your messages, or calling you, or putting out; then he ain't interested. Either this or he is shit scared and has no self confidence. You can safely know he is not interested in you if:

He doesn't reply to your messages.
He never calls.
His friends always come first.
He doesn't want to have sex with you. (You deserve to be loved and you deserve great sex, so do not stand for this.)
I really could go on...

All this said, some men seem to have a hold over you. My advice is cut the thread before you get hurt. If you don't get what you want after making your intentions clear, then sack the prick! His loss! Move on... I have not followed this doctrine myself in the past but now I am making the bold move and shaking off any hold or thread any man has over me.

I have one such man at the moment. Yeah I like him, but after several flirt attempts, and to be honest I've basically cyber whored myself, I will not prolong the game. I'm by no means upset, I'm just frustrated, I hate losing at these games. but, I shall no longer play games.

I now have a date with a very nice guy I met once about a year ago. We're meeting up the weekend after next. Who knows he may be the one, he may not be... But sitting around waiting for love is not for me anymore.

I WILL MAKE LOVE HAPPEN FOR MYSELF!

To all the men out there who cannot be honest or enjoy keeping people held on by a thin thread... Just say no, its really quite simple...

Much Love!

And many happy endings!!!!!!

Age concern...

I want to take a moment to congratulate Miriam O'Reilly on her employment tribunal win. She won a discrimination case against the BBC for ageism. She was fired 14 months ago for being too old. Herself and others were replaced by much younger people.

Miriam was told she was too old. Can you believe that BBC bosses are now getting training???? What? Why do they need training? Surely it is obvious that you do not fire somebody because of their age. These BBC bigwigs are not stupid. They need disciplining, not training!

Well done Miriam. You have struggled and battled on for the past 14 months. I am so pleased you won your case.

Old with grace...

Anybody else feel old? I will be old in 5 days! I have a birthday looming, and no longer will I be able to say I'm in my mid twenties!

Late twenties! What is that all about?

I notice lines on my face, my body aches, hangovers are like little day trips to hell…

I don't know if I want to get old. I'm not comfortable with it. It distresses me. I don't think I'll leave home again on the eventual discovery of the first grey pube. My favourite Samantha (Sex & The City) quote, after dying her pubes… "nobody wants to f**k grandma's p***y…" Hahahahaha…

We live in such a youth obsessed society, and we all scratch our heads wondering why. Well young people look prettier. They do. Young people are gorgeous and lets not deny it! Yes some men grow into their looks, but that don't last long…

To be honest, this is not some intellectual foray into some cultural post modern identity crisis. It's more of a moan really.

I'm being unusually vain today, not normally this negative. I rarely suffer from identity anxiety, but age is one of those issues, probably my only identity issue…

Any good shrinks???????

I would love age related anxiety comments. This is something I would love to discuss further… My next personal challenge!

Find Me Somebody To Love!

Yep still single, and ready for true love…

Being single has its benefits. Not answering to anyone for example. Being one's own boss. But what about the cuddles and the snuggles and the kisses? Yep time for love.

So it is time to be proactive. I'm not one to sit around feeling sorry for myself, never have been.

As of tomorrow dating fun will begin from the comfort of my own home and I will reactivate my match.com account. I had lots of fun last time, so more to be had.

I intend to flirt and flirt and flirt. I'm gonna be a virtual slut! I'm gonna put my sexuality out there and find me some mans! Last time I had fun but on reflection I don't think I was myself. I was always trying to promote a professional business image, which was good, but didn't find compatibility. So it is time to be sexy!

I also intend to take up any opportunity that comes my way. There are quite a few blokes out there I like, and now is time to email, and text, and Facebook poke! I feel I have quite a good chance with some of the men I like, however, this knowledge is based upon signs. For example the way somebody once smiled at me. I always get these signs wrong though, I always think that somebody likes me, then after being open and hones it turns out I am spectacularly wrong. But you can never let the fear of rejection stop you!

General rules of dating:

1) Be myself.
2) Have fun.
3) Do not seem desperate.
4) No exes what so ever.
5) Nobody with personal issues, or self hate issues! (This is very important)
6) Be safe!

Here goes...

Pic 'n' mix

Okay I was asked to write about pic 'n' mix, attached is a link for a wikipedia article on the subject.

I just hope I'm not being naive and that actually this is some kind of kinky game????

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pick_'n'_mix

More dangerous myths?

I have been asked to consider why gay relationships are always short lived and why gay men are unreliable. When asking this kind of question, however, you have to be absolutely sure that this is actually the case.

Do we know for certain that gay men are more unreliable and promiscuous? Maybe they are, but we cannot afford to lend the right wing traditionalists any falsities. By asking such a question we are making a grave assumption and almost falling into and living the stereotype. Ever heard of self fulfilling prophecies?

I will for the sake of argument consider some points I have thought about today. I am going to answer the question as if its premise were in fact true.

Firstly gay men are men. So maybe this is not a 'gay issue' but a 'man' issue. Being male is what all gay men have in common. Maybe men are just hornier. This might be a bit hard going but I researched rape specific adaptations in male bird species as part of my university dissertation. You're probably asking what on earth promiscuity and unreliability have to do with rape. I hope I can try and link these.

Many male animal species seem to have evolved adaptations that trap and hold females in place during coitus, to help propagate their species. Perhaps human men have similar psychological adaptations in place that increase their sex drive, or their inability to commit as much as women to a single relationship. This would certainly help increase the likely hood of reproduction. Being gay is a genetic trait, however, the drive to propagate is potentially linked to a separate genome, thus, being gay does not halt the inability or likely hood of commitment.

Most of this is speculation and not based on much research, please correct me if I'm wrong. but what I'm arguing here is that this unreliability is not a 'gay' issue but a 'man' issue. It is just the case that a gay relationship is made up of 2 men, rather than one man. Maybe even more than one man in many cases!

Perhaps another reason for the alleged issue is that gay men have broken the mould of the 'nuclear family'. I certainly believe that if I was not gay I would not be as liberal and open minded as I am now. The battle of 'coming out' in our society is so difficult for young people. When you manage to fight this, the whole concept of the '2.4 children' family is not important.

The majority of people follow relatively normal social rules. You get a boyfriend/girlfriend, you get married, you get a mortgage, and you have children. Well us 'gays' don't need to follow any rules do we, we have fought social norms and battled with them daily... Maybe this could explain a lack of reliability in gay men, if there is such an issue.

Please comment...

Relationships & I

Well we never got along the two of us. Relationships and I have so far not seen eye to eye. I have done a lot of soul searching recently and decided to get back to blogging.

Officially I am now single... Oh dear! One guy with a million potentials... Compatibility however is the challenge. I've done serial dating in the past and had lots of fun but nothing long term has emerged from my fun and frolics.

Despite the issue of compatibility, we have a modern condition of choice and ambition. We are now faced with endless life choices, destinations, careers, lifestyles! Do we have time to date, never mind being in long term relationships?

I was talking with a friend about these things the other day. I want love, true love, but I want to travel abroad, learn a language, live in france, get a vineyard, have a fabulous international career. Well we can't have all these things, unless you find a partner who has the exact same ambitions as you; highly unlikely I think.

What takes priority? Love or ambition?

I came to the conclusion, after years of thought, that I choose love. I would choose true love over anything. This made me realise that love is my real ambition. But I want to feel love with somebody else that feels the same way! I don't want to spend my life nursing a broken heart. But is this the modern condition? Is this the path for the majority of us who do not find absolute compatibility?

One thing for sure is that I do not want to settle. I do not want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. When I talk about love I mean true, passionate, inconvenient, fire works, love! The kind of love you would die for, love that consumes your every being.

I have been in love before, and been in a sticky, awful, heart breaking situation. Ambition and dreams at the detriment of my heart. Not nice. I never want to go through this again. I do not want to fall in love with somebody only to find out that I am not the most important part of their life. I am not disposable; non of us are!

Hearts mend, but time ticks by... Endlessly tormenting the majority of us.

One thing I know is I will not and cannot live happily without true love. I can be content but not truly satisfied.

I believe this is the case for all of us. People may want to live their dreams without love, but they are frightened. They are scared of being hurt, and deeply insecure. Please correct me if you think I am wrong. Yes my opinion is bound to be egocentric. Yes I'm projecting my view of love on others, but I cannot understand those who are frightened of love. I do not comprehend this.

I may give up some dreams, some career choices; but I will not abandon love!

Please comment, I am intrigued...

Unequal Equality?

I work with the loveliest group of girls, but today they surprised me.

I was asked if heterosexual members can attend the LGBT conference, I obviously told them that they cannot. I was not expecting the onslaught I received. I was told that to have an LGBT only group is discrimination, "what about us straight people, we're not allowed a straight only group."

Firstly why on earth would you want a heterosexual only group? I challenge anybody to bring to my attention any story of discrimination because of heterosexuality.

To have a group where we can discus issues that affect us is so desperately important. I will not be told that I am guilty of discrimination because I have debated motions with only members of the LGBT community. I agree we should live in a world where there is no need for LGBT groups, Black and Asian groups, etc. Unfortunately we do not live in that world, and doubt very much we will ever inhabit Utopia (Philosophically impossible).

Guys get off your band wagons. I don't hate anybody, I love and respect all. However being in an oppressed minority means we have got to organise from within.

Catch up...

Blimey was it July since I last wrote on my blog? My new year's resolution to write more must be obeyed, so I will write twice as much from now on to catch up.

I have had so much to write about, so many ideas, so many emotions, yet nothing. In my defence I have been working like a bitch, and been so tired.

Here's a brief catch up...

Work.
Play.
Sleep.
More sleep.
UNISON recruitment days outside working hours.
Reading.
Moved house.
Applied for an internal job and got rejected.
Sleep.
More work.
LGBT conference.
HELSINKI baby to see Auli.
Barcelona with the girls.
Work.
Sleep.
Play.
Cooking.
Eating.
Sleep.
Work.